Ransom Notes

 ransomnotes

Traveling in these wicked twists and turns in my head.

How has this happened? I would love to find,

A most comfortable place to rest my mind.

Hide.

These winding turns, alluring, they may be.

I do not want to pick this ugly fight.

Though you hold me hostage, with strength, Might.

I FIGHT.

I have begged for your unearned trust.

You leave invisible Ransom Notes,

Promises. Just as invisible. Sinking boat.

Yet I float.

I cannot make happen, what will not be.

I cannot force an aching heart, to feel,

That which it will not, that which isn’t ideal.

I heal.

©thebipolarmuse2012

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 I am passionate about writing… having fallen in love with poetry when I was 11 after an assignment in school in which I had to memorize and recite poems. I loved how poems could be elusive, inspiring discussions about what the writer is trying to convey. Oftentimes, words can be stringed together to create a beautiful poem that seems to be about a specific person or object, even if the true subject matter isn’t about a particular person, or time in life, but rather about an inanimate object.

That is the beauty in writing.

 

NIMH Bipolar Disorder

“Bipolar Disorder, also known as Manic Depressive Illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of  Bipolar Disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar Disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But Bipolar Disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Bipolar Disorder often develops in a person’s late teens or early adult years. At least half of all cases start before age 25. Some people have their first symptoms during childhood, while others may develop symptoms late in life.

Bipolar Disorder is not easy to spot when it starts. The symptoms may seem like separate problems, not recognized as parts of a larger problem. Some people suffer for years before they are properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person’s life.” ~ Sited from NIMH

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I would like to start off by saying I do not think the name “Bipolar Disorder” does justice to the illness… and almost seems to belittle the disorder, and make it seem less significant in relation to other mental health disorders. Manic Depressive Illness is a much better description of the disorder, thereby being a more appropriate term/name as a whole. Manic alone is a single word offering a very precise description, as is the word Depressive. Therefor, Manic Depressive is less confusing, more blunt and to the point, with a certain er of importance and respect. Some people think “bipolar” simply means you have two sides to your personality, two “you’s” so-to-speak… and this thought process is incorrect on many fronts.

The chronological order of my documented personal illness began in the year 2000, where I spent five minutes with a Psychiatrist who then prescribed medication for Major Depression. In hindsight, this diagnosis was incorrect as I was already experiencing rapid cycling, and hypo-mania. Five minutes is NOT enough time to assess a patient with any type of Doctor. After many life changing events: divorce, not having custody of my children, and the final blow of an Ex’s suicide, my diagnosis was upgraded to Bipolar 2 Disorder (in 2003), along with the normal “piggybackers” anxiety, and insomnia. However, all of this fell on deaf ears as I refused to believe anything was wrong… and of course, I did not continue with therapy of any kind. Pharmaceutical or otherwise.

I finally had some reprieve for a couple years, and felt somewhat well, and what little medication I would take from time to time, I discontinued completely. Then in 2007 I became manic, depressed, anxious, psychosomatic, suffered brutal panic attacks, and became paranoid I would die in my sleep. Can you imagine how my world flipped upside down?? Sleep was suddenly terrifying… it became a monster out to get me, and no matter what I tried to do, no matter how exhausted I became, sleep totally eluded me. Each time I would lie down to sleep, as my body would drift off, when I would suddenly have a jerking motion, I would wake up completely, thinking I had just jerked awake preventing myself from slipping into death. This paranoia became my downfall. This paranoia caused me to make very poor choices, ending my 2nd marriage, and because of circumstances out of my control, I once again did not have custody of my children. Alas, prompting the next diagnosis of Bipolar 1 with Psychosis.

This nearly destroyed me, I felt like I was going to break at any moment… a break in which I could not come back from. It took accepting I was Manic Depressive, accepting therapy, accepting medication, accepting that even-though I wanted my children with me more than anything in the world, I had to accept that they were healthy, and happy with their Fathers, and I had to accept that I needed to work on myself so I could be the Mom they needed of me.

Education is so important. I am not speaking of the kind from a college, but rather of life and learning about your true self, and educating yourself about the challenges we all have. Learn about mental health issues, and then share that knowledge! This is insanely important to do. Not only are we helping ourselves, but we are helping others in doing this as well.

Lets start discussing mental health… open a dialogue with all those you know. This will help with the stigma associated with it. Personally, I have learned to be a chameleon… I can throw that happy face on faster than anything else I can do… I believe most of us are very good at that. Why?? So nobody can see the storm raging within.

If you love someone with mental health problems… keep looking for that storm. After-all, nobody wants to suffer… and I think we all would welcome the anchor that you have the potential to become… I know I certainly would.

©thebipolarmuse2018

 

How Is It Fair??

birdsDarkness

How is it fair?

I never knew I would love…

Dream, or Breathe,

The way I do You.

Can I sleep in peace?

I never knew I would hope,

Cry, or pray for dreamless nights,

The way I do because of you.

How is it Fair…

To be buried above ground,

where sadness surrounds,

And to be uncomfortable in your own skin?

How is it fair…

You’re buried six feet down.

Sleeping so peaceful, so sound…

And I can’t be found in the world

You are in?

How is it fair??

©thebipolarmuse2003

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** Written many many years ago after the death of my ex-boyfriend, Fiance at one point in time… by his own hand.

Suicide is NEVER the answer. If you or someone you know are contemplating suicide, please reach out for help. Suicide hotlines offer a caring ear, and also have many resources to direct one in the right direction for help. You are not alone in your feelings… remember, this too shall pass and suicide is a permanent, destructive choice that cannot be taken back. Seek help. Choose life. ♥

Call 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

I Fear Not The Night~

MoonOnWater

I fear not the night anymore, but the silence that accompanies the sun.

I would enjoy waking to the moon instead… the stars my guide…

My erratic mood lulled by the moons tide.

The stars and night like a very close friend.

Instead, I follow the masses, wake by the sun,

With only a few hours to rest my weary head.

Depression has begun.

Too much time to dwell, anxiety to swell,

To beg for peace; to forget the times,

I have truly failed.

I want to run, be free… follow my heart…

Flee…

To my loves.

I fear not the night anymore, but the silence…

that accompanies the sun.~

©thebipolarmuse2011

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Going through not having custody of my children has always been very difficult for me. I battle severe depressions over all lifes precious moments I cannot get back.

Poetry helps me to tame the monster, it is a form of therapy for me… helps me create bipolar Order.

The Muses

theMuses

The Muses

They whisper in my ear.

In reverence, I stare…

As words fall…

from their golden sweet lips,

To paper, in pieces and bits.

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The Muses…

Their eyes show me a story.

They ask not for recognition, nor glory.

Their words storm to life in my heart…

Indeed flutter about my mind.

Created to be shared… Never held as mine.

 

©thebipolarmuse2018

 

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This poem is one of my very favorite that I have written. Simple, yet such imagery is provoked.

Please do not use without permission to do so. If you would like to use it, please use the “Contact Me” page to send me an email.

Thank you for reading… ♥

Gold Strike Canyon Hot Springs Trail

Gold strike hot springs hike Colorado River

~Oh hiking I love thee… nature comes to life… my heart in chorus with your beat…~ Bmuse

Gold Strike Canyon Hot Springs Trail is near Las Vegas, NV. It is situated East of Boulder City Nevada, near the Hoover Dam. In fact, one picture posted shows the bridge over the Colorado River. Happy Hiking!!!

The weather has been absolutely beautiful, springing forth people who enjoy getting out to enjoy this particular hike that is certainly not for your beginner, especially a lone newb. The hike down is beautiful, you can’t help but be in awe as the mountain seems to grow taller next to you… the rock itself is gorgeous, changing in texture and color the further down you go, sometimes dark and wet in areas, others, different shades of red with some green growth. It seemed to get more mesmerizing the further along we got.

Gold Stike Hot Springs Hike

In some of the more precarious areas, ropes have been successfully mounted, enabling you to scale, or rather rappel, your way down these particular areas that could possibly put a halt to your hike unless you are the awe inspiring Alex Honnold. Ok, it isn’t that bad, but it can be a little scary, and we witnessed some who got stuck from the mental anguish that comes from trying to shimmy down steep rocks. It didn’t trigger my personal fear of heights, but when the rock is wet, sandy, and steep, it is a recipe for a slip and fall… and that would certainly be bad. Horrific for the fallen, and absolutely physically demanding on others trying to climb back out with the injured.

All in all… I loved it! Getting outdoors, taking in the fresh air, and basking in the suns rays is so important for our mental health… movement produces endorphins, lubricates our joints, and keeps our heart healthy, all so very important!

This type of hike is where I feel in my element… I was like a mountain goat on its favorite little ledge… thoroughly enjoying the climbing, balancing, feeling the rock under my feet and my toes trying to grip each surface, and searching out different routes I could utilize to feel even more challenged. I know that I will soon be on the lookout for more hikes of this nature to continue growing my skills… and I will no doubt be back for more of this one. My only disappointment was the lack of hot-springs. There use to be several pools of warm and hot water along this trail, ending with the always super cold Colorado River, but now, I only observed one small hot-spring capable of holding a few people for a taste of natures hot-tub. However, because of the technicality involved, the beautiful weather, ropes secured in those difficult areas for all to use, I felt challenged and (dare I say it) feel this may be my new favorite hike.

colorado river hoover dam bridge

***I must note that this hike is closed for several months out of the year, our summer months, due to the extreme heat that is natural for our location. Several people have sadly passed away while trying to accomplish this hike during the hot months, often they are not your “hiker” types…unprepared without the proper amount of water, nourishment, or proper gear. This isn’t a hike you decide to do in flip flops with half a bottle of water. You must be prepared! I am going to share links to purchase the gear I used personally… my two favorite items: 1. My water-pack  and 2. Trekking Poles. The water-pack wears like a vest, and comes with two collapsible water bottles. It has a nice large area to hold any necessities you may want to bring with you, but I use this area to hold a bladder to ensure I have plenty of water on hand. Now, for this hike, the trekking poles are not absolutely needed. I honestly could have done without them, but they were very handy, even in the areas where I needed to use my hands for climbing. If they got in the way, I tossed them down… no biggie… but wow, they came in handy! Not only did I use them to assist hiking through the softer sand and rock, but they were awesome for using them to catapult myself over small streams of water. Not once did I regret taking them.

Enjoy the pictures… check out the gear… and when you are in the area, make plans to conquer Gold Strike Hot Springs Trail. I promise you that you will not be disappointed!


Click on the pics to check out this gear. The poles are for all seasons, but if you want something more simple, not a problem. After you click on the pic, simply use the search bar to search for other poles. Same goes for the water-pack vest. Happy browsing!

 

©thebipolarmuse2018

Positive Affirmations~ INSPIRE

positiveaffirmationsinspire

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.~ Sidney Madwed~

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These repetitive words and phrases are merely methods of convincing the subconscious mind.~ Claude M. Bristol

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Positive affirmations! What an awesome little arsenal at our disposal… and they are simply words we string together, spun in a positive light, all in an effort to get us out of the negative mental ruts we get ourselves into. They don’t possess voodoo, nor are they cast into spells… they are simply words formed into short sentences to offer encouragement, positivity, joy… arranged in a way to (hopefully) put a smile on your face, make your heart happier and lighter, to INSPIRE.

When at a low, I search these affirmations that I find relatable to my personal experiences. For, I want happiness… just as every other soul I know. Not a single person would choose to suffer.

I encourage you to find a little positivity in each and every day. It can be as simple as getting outdoors for a walk, stopping to smell the flowers along the way, listening to your favorite music or better yet, sing along to it! Get a good workout in… whether playing your favorite sport (running, hiking, or cycling for me), or just hitting the gym. Doing so will create endorphins, our ‘feel good’ chemicals. You can utilize an app on your phone to send you positive affirmations daily… or better yet, grab a stack of index cards, your favorite colored pencils or markers, and make your own! Hang those bad maamas on your bathroom mirror, your fridge, hang them all over the place to help you feed your brain with some positivity for once. Read them CONSTANTLY… and within time, those thoughts will become YOU.

It doesn’t happen overnight, but it will happen. Be patient! I know there isn’t a cure-all for everyone, but why allow misery to dwell in our minds… because I can ensure you that the thoughts you incessantly feed to yourself, they will be the thoughts watered and flourishing. The negative thoughts need to get weeded out… replaced by the good.

Be gentle on yourselves… show yourself the compassion and grace you give to others you love. Shouldn’t you show that same love to your “self”… the one who no doubt needs it most?

Keep checking back as I plan to add positive affirmations on a regular basis.

** Always remember…. whatever it is that you “feed”, that is what will always grow and flourish. Always.

 

©thebipolarmuse2018

Lady Gaga Loves ‘An Unquiet Mind’ ~Links to Purchase~

ladyGagaAnUnquietMind
Proof Positive… Lady Gaga reads the best♥

Purchase your own copy… links below!!!

I recently did a post on the book ‘An Unquiet Mind’ by Kay Redfield Jamison… if you missed it you can certainly check it out *HERE*.

As I mentioned, this book is a breath of fresh air for those of us trying to make sense of our mental health issues, but in my opinion, it would make a fantastic read for those who know a friend or loved one battling Bipolar Disorder (aka Manic Depressive Illness) as well.

As you see in this picture, even the amazingly talented and amazingly human Lady Gaga finds the book to be of value to her. For those of you who are not following along in Ms Lady Gagas life, she has been battling her own mental health problems stemming from a rape she endured, and also the unfortunate reality of the litany of mental health issues that arise from the very painful, and very real Fibromyalgia.

Similarities anyone?? I know I can certainly relate… as I endure those things myself, as well as pain in my hips, pelvis, and lower back that runs down the back of my legs ending at the knees… and last but not least, the ugly and incurable Interstitial Cystitis… which interestingly seems to go hand in hand with Fibromyalgia, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is enough to make one pull their hair out… at least that pain IS warranted, not to mention the endorphins released from such an act would be a welcomed sensation in comparison with most other sensations, almost always painful.

I applaud Ms Lady Gaga for sharing her difficulties with all of her fans, and creating the Born This Way Foundation. With her status in life, she has become a voice for us all, who while screaming at the top of our lungs, will never be heard in the way her voice can… and will.

Click image to connect to Amazon for purchase options!

If the image link above isn’t working,* here is a link*  where you can purchase the book for very reasonable prices. Don’t need one personally?? How about gifting it to the coworker you know who struggles, or your loved one who battles mental health problems?? Even if you didn’t want this particular item, that is a-ok! Through the provided links, you can access any item you are interested in, and it doesn’t cost a pennies difference whether you access my link to Amazon here, or order direct without using my links. However, and this is important, what it DOES do is help me to continue “Becoming Me”… and will give ‘thebipolarmuse’ a slight kickback to assist in keeping this site up and running… What a wonderful gift you would be gracing me with!!! Like I said, whether you purchased this book, or bought toys for your children for Christmas, as long as you go *through my link here*, you are helping me to continue doing the one thing I am MOST passionate about… sharing my story and life experiences with you… and serve as a reminder that life has unforeseen challenges indeed, but we can control how we react.

I choose to help others by sharing my life, the good and bad to help remind readers that nobody is alone in their struggles. You will always have a friend in me… I choose to attempt be the light in what sometimes feels like mind numbing, heart crushing, and soul sucking darkness.

Join me and let us serve as beacons for those who feel lost.

©thebipolarmuse2018