Set Yourself On Fire!

 

Success isn’t a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.” ~Arnold H. Glasow

 

I want to live by this philosophy! How many times will I allow myself to be burned by not following through and completing something. I set goals, perhaps too many, and make them completely unattainable. Would that just be a part of who I am?

As a child I wanted to be rich and famous…. how attainable is that?

My Father too was unable to complete anything. He couldn’t be what he needed for me and my sister. A complete asshole by my definition, yet I struggle and miss him. I still love him and long for him… though it can never be. Sadly he died in 2004. Every option of knowing him, forgiving him, telling him “I love you” was removed from me. I desperately would love for him to know that I have grown and learned the important lesson of loving without the expectation of anything being returned.

I love you Dad… and I hope you fell into eternal sleep with peace and sweet dreams of Starr and me.♥

©thebipolarmuse2010

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Written in April 2010

Tingles of Mania

manicInside

Tingles up my spine, in my hands, feet, neck, and head. Sounds magnified by a billion… clanks, swooshes, drips, music from a house over, barking dogs, cars, the energy in my head. I swear I hear clown cars, elephants, people murmuring, popcorn bags crinkling, horns, tinkering bells, shoes shuffling, children laughing, a circus in my head.

Every sensation intensified 100 fold. Every ache a pain, every touch leaves a scorching path, every chill becomes a pleasantly painful shiver. Running my fingers through my hair is brutal yet somehow intoxicating.

I flee from tears to happiness… often irritable with boundless energy.

BOUNDLESS ENERGY.

Days become nights, and then nights back to days. Images fly through my head one after another. Dirt, trees, a smiling lady, retro car, beach, sand, beer, the sky, moon, stars, babies, holding hands, fire, weeds, butterflies, black and white photos, Gidget, music notes, piano, stadium lights, cars, people chattering, relay for life, school, books, money, flying, dreams, galaxies, GOD, energy.

Far above the earth, above the stars, flying in a luminous light… tingling head to toe.

This, my friend, is my mania.

Welcome to my world.

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If you have ever experienced mania… you know this well. If you have never experienced mania… this is just the tip of  the iceberg.

Without fail… after mania is the crash into the deepest pit of depression… because of this… mania has a beauty, and is often sought and a place I never want to leave.

 

©bipolarmuse2018

My Life Closed~ Emily Dickinson

HeavenlyClouds

 

my life closed twice before its close;

it yet remains to see

if immortality unveil

a third event to me,

so huge, so hopeless to conceive,

as those that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell. ~ Emily Dickinson

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Oh how this poem resonates within my very core… be Being. Twice I feel I have failed my children. All I want, crave, and need, is to be the very best person I can be for myself so that I may be the very best mother I can… for them. Isn’t that what it’s all about?? Keeping them safe, healthy, and having their best interest at heart? Sometimes it is difficult to know when I am being selfish and to know when to let go of that which I have no control.

I can control me though… and fix me… for me.

For THEM

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Originally written in April 2010 after a horrible person harmed a loved one. I use to say his name in hopes that others would find out about what he did. I no longer want to hold that hate… I have let go and moved on with my life.

©bipolarmuse2018