A Moment In Stillness

instillness

 

It is amazing how long it can take some people to figure things out… To end their misery. I have told myself over and over that “nobody can make me happy… Only I can”.

Though I have spoken those words to myself aloud and otherwise… it was not until today that I said it out loud, and it became an “aha” moment.

It finally hit me… it empowered me!

This feeling was all new to me… a moment in stillness that reverberated through me.

Why? Because it means the difference between a miserable existence and a happy one.

I always believed that happiness could be sought, and found, through relationships… relationships with loved ones, and friends…relationships with men… but in all honesty, this is faulty thinking.

While relationships are important for us to feel fulfilled, they are NOT to be relied upon to make you happy. We should not put expectations of that magnitude onto others, and we should begin looking inwards.

Now, I am not saying we should be self-centered and make life all about “me, me, me”… that is unhealthy, ugly, self-serving behavior that creates only more pain and heartache, it certainly does not create happiness. Our happiness is ours to create… each of us personally needs to learn who we are, we need to become passionate for ourselves and passionate about what makes our hearts happy. That responsibility resides with nobody but ourselves.

As they say, happiness is a journey, not a destination. Don’t put off life… keep your eyes up and looking ahead, and be mindful while being here in the present.

For the present … well, the present is truly a gift.

©thebipolarmuse 2018

When The Sh*t Hits The Fan

alone

When two people with mental health issues live together, certain challenges present themselves and add to the difficulties already present. I myself have a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 (along with several co-morbid “buddies” that often go hand in hand with said disorder), and the man I am dedicated to in life is diagnosed with bipolar (along with other co-morbid “buddies” as well), but the kicker is the diagnosis of “Intermittent Explosive Disorder”. I will do another post soon about that specific disorder, but lets just say that it  is a brutal issue to combat. It turns the man I love with all my soul into someone I don’t recognize. Not only that, but I am treated as though I am nobody special, even less than strangers. In fact, during an episode… I am spoken to with what sounds like loathing and fervent rage, but if a neighbor, or someone else comes along, they are spoken to with kindness and respect… something foreign to the way I am treated during these IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder) moments.

It is a very lonely place to be when the anger is directed at you simply because you are the person closest. Even if he is trying with all his strength NOT to lash out at me (which I know is exactly what he is concentrating on), it is very lonely to be on my end of it. While he is trying to battle his anxiety, and his automatic “this is a disaster” thought process, he is completely incapable of offering help or suggestions, nor demonstrate any type of loving, supportive gestures to help encourage me as I do all I can to rectify the situation.

Yet…  I still help my man to my fullest capacity, and attempt to support him. I do all I can to fix the problem without turning it into some horrible difficult issue… I remain calm, cool, and collected, trying to keep him informed of what I am doing to fix the situation.  Even if his tone of voice is derogatory, or he emanates anger… I do all I can to help, reminding myself that this isn’t the “true” him, and he is fighting to come back to who he truly is.

Though I know this isn’t him per say, it still hurts… I still feel as though I am wilting away. I try to be a step ahead so I can predict what is needed… and I do it for him without hesitation… all the while, tears flood my eyes, and I keep my head low to hide them. They are a sign of weakness to him when he is this person… so I keep silent, don’t argue, stay busy, put on that loving smile I am great at wearing, and I keep my head down…

All the while, somehow, in someway…

I am breaking.

Knowing full well that when things come full circle,

He will return full of love and grace, and his loving embrace will encompass me…

And what once felt broken…

He will make whole… and then I am home.

©thebipolarmuse 2018

Set Yourself On Fire!

 

Success isn’t a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.” ~Arnold H. Glasow

 

I want to live by this philosophy! How many times will I allow myself to be burned by not following through and completing something. I set goals, perhaps too many, and make them completely unattainable. Would that just be a part of who I am?

As a child I wanted to be rich and famous…. how attainable is that?

My Father too was unable to complete anything. He couldn’t be what he needed for me and my sister. A complete asshole by my definition, yet I struggle and miss him. I still love him and long for him… though it can never be. Sadly he died in 2004. Every option of knowing him, forgiving him, telling him “I love you” was removed from me. I desperately would love for him to know that I have grown and learned the important lesson of loving without the expectation of anything being returned.

I love you Dad… and I hope you fell into eternal sleep with peace and sweet dreams of Starr and me.♥

©thebipolarmuse2010

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Written in April 2010

My Life Closed~ Emily Dickinson

HeavenlyClouds

 

my life closed twice before its close;

it yet remains to see

if immortality unveil

a third event to me,

so huge, so hopeless to conceive,

as those that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell. ~ Emily Dickinson

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Oh how this poem resonates within my very core… be Being. Twice I feel I have failed my children. All I want, crave, and need, is to be the very best person I can be for myself so that I may be the very best mother I can… for them. Isn’t that what it’s all about?? Keeping them safe, healthy, and having their best interest at heart? Sometimes it is difficult to know when I am being selfish and to know when to let go of that which I have no control.

I can control me though… and fix me… for me.

For THEM

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Originally written in April 2010 after a horrible person harmed a loved one. I use to say his name in hopes that others would find out about what he did. I no longer want to hold that hate… I have let go and moved on with my life.

©bipolarmuse2018

 

What Doesn’t Kill You

The very beginning… written in April of 2010… coming to terms with poor mental health, a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis and comorbid disorders such as anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, and many Psychosomatic symptoms.

~~~~So is it true that whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger? I am leaning more towards the “whatever doesn’t kill you will only wear you down until you break into a billion little pieces” idea of the matter. Everyone has a story right? Well, so do I. And in this world of anonymity I will take advantage of telling my story within my 10 seconds of “bloggy” fame.
I have no clue how to blog, or what the hell I am getting into but I do believe it will be therapeutic….especially important to me because I can no longer afford the therapist I have been seeing…
And ohhhhhh the venting I shall accomplish. It’s brilliant….
Welcome to my wild, ridiculous, adventurous life… my wild ride. The beautiful disaster I have come to be.~~~~