“… it would never get through my thick skull because I’m always wanting and wanting because nothing is ever enough you are never enough I am never enough I am never enough I AM NEVER ENOUGH.” – Amy Reed
“You are never enough, I am NEVER enough”. God, this sends bells ringing in my head because it really hits home. Bipolar disorder, when untreated, or not treated well, can certainly turn your life upside down and bring about a confusion that is so very hard to explain.
This hits home for me. Though at this moment I am feeling “content”, I remember very well the constant “want”, the feeling that the “want” could never be filled… that what I had was never enough, and then the ultimate self-destructing thought that I was never enough. I was always lacking… I was chaos, a gaping void.
My life was not worth anything… I wasn’t worth anything.
ALL LIES. Vicious lies that the bipolar mind tries to convince me of.
Depression can do so many ugly things to you. It removes you of your personality, it takes the life from your eyes… bones… your beating heart, even each breath. It completely breaks you down until you feel there is no reason to keep going. Wearing one down to scraps, to nothing.
I know many do not understand mental disorders… but know that mood disorders can be brutal and devastating. They devastate every aspect of one’s life, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Furthermore, it destroys that which was built with the best of intentions.
As if that’s not bad enough, mood disorders are also often deadly. 30-70% of suicide victims have suffered from some sort of depression. (Web MD) That is a staggering statistic and sadly, these deaths could be prevented.
Fight For Your Mental Health
Allow me to be an example of hope. There is a light somewhere in all that darkness. If I can get to a place of contentment and happiness, anyone can. I have hit the lowest of lows and have lost everything that mattered most. I have lived with mood disorders most of my life and have hiked through hell and back more times than I can count. Yet I am still here. Gaining strength and becoming more resilient with every passing moment.
As you look in that mirror and feel like you are not enough… know without a doubt that you are not alone. Others have felt that horrible pain. Somehow, someway, try to find a light in that darkness and reach for it with all your strength. Seek that light wholeheartedly. Ask for help. Reach out.
This may seem impossible… and I know that it may seem pointless. BUT YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WORTH THE FIGHT! Go look in the mirror and search for that spark you once held and once you finally find it, because you will, never let it go.
Counter Thought To Close With
For every negative thought about myself, I come up with a positive counter thought. This helps to rewire the brain (called neuroplasticity) to think more positively. I urge you to do this as well and over time, with consistent practice, you will notice that your thoughts automatically begin from a positive frame of mind.
“I am never enough” is a blatant lie from an unhealthy mind. I am enough. You are enough. Join me when I say “F you bipolar, you are not getting me today”.
When all you see is darkness, become the light you seek. If hope is a four-letter word lost on your lips, found only in the dictionary, become the reason to live. When you are lost, drowning in your own pain, become the healer you so desperately need.
Never give up on yourself… never stop fighting for your place in this world.
I believe in you.
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