Amends

… I stopped believing I should matter to you.

I am sorry. ~

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 17 years ago, I spent many years in denial.

That denial nearly destroyed me.

After my second mental breakdown, I knew that I had to accept my plight. If I wanted lasting peace, I knew I had to accept who I was and then forever be on a path of learning and personal growth. Then, and only then, could I attempt to help educate, inspire, and give back by helping those on their own path to understanding their personal mental health challenges.

It has not been an easy road! I have experienced many roadblocks (placed by myself). Regardless, I managed to navigate the twists and turns with athletic grace… or at least I prefer to see it as grace instead of the comedic horror of a bipolar trainwreck it most certainly was.

Undoubtedly, I fell down a time or two (or ten thousand), but falling down isn’t what matters…  what matters is that I got back up.

And now that I have climbed out of the pit of my own hell, for the umpteenth time, I brush myself off and look at the damage incurred to others. I can clearly see that I still have work to do.

It’s no longer about learning and educating myself… I have spent years doing that. 

Now. Is. About. Others.

I must make amends and repair all things broken caused by being broken. ~

It’s about repairing the relationships that I have damaged, healing those who were hurt by my flailings and failings, and restore the broken parts that I, directly and indirectly, contributed to.

Letting Go

Some people may not want me to try waltzing back into their lives, and that is OK.

Understanding this, I know that I will just have to be OK saying I am sorry, acknowledge the pain I caused, and then…

after making amends, it will be time to let it go.

For those who once knew me and cared, I am sorry I vanished into thin air… 

I will set things right and then it’s your choice to do what you will with that. 

My only request is to ask that you try to understand.

Understand that when one’s world is imploding, I did all I knew how to do: to withdraw into one’s self and hold on for dear fucking life. 

xOxO~ Muse