“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it, an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.” ~ Kay Redfield Jamison
What I despise about Manic-depression (Bipolar disorder) is the way it distorts every part of who you are. I cannot count on my hands how many times people have told me “you seem so happy”, and yet, I have a raging storm inside my head.
Gratefully, that storm always passes, but I do not underestimate the power it has.
It holds me hostage, without any way to pay a ransom. It invades my mind, my heart, and is a thief of all logic.
Without a doubt, those of you who live with a mood disorder know exactly what I mean.
Depression steals every good emotion and leaves you with the bad, but other times, it steals them all leaving behind a shell of one’s normal self. Eventually, you get to the point where your mind attempts to destroy you and everything you have fought for. Finally, you feel cloaked in invisibility, but not in a good way… it’s like you vanished and nobody pays any attention because withering away is a gradual process.
Then when you think it can’t get worse, its best friend mania taps in, and yes, it feels like a drug. Sometimes it even feels amazing. The need for sleep vanishes, one becomes more daring, a social butterfly even. Impressively, it’s like the world fits in the palm of your hand and begins revolving around you. Friends see you when a week ago they would not have noticed if you vanished for good.
However, the end of this cycle is coming and it happens with a stumble. Followed by the downward slide into an excruciating depression that you just escaped the clutches of.
The vicious cycle continues again and again.
Though it may rear its ugly head from time to time, it no longer controls me… I am no longer at its mercy. I have broken free of its clutches and fought valiantly, ferociously, and kicked its ass.
Stupid Bipolar… you almost got me… you will NEVER get the best of me again.