When The Sh*t Hits The Fan

alone

When two people with mental health issues live together, certain challenges present themselves and add to the difficulties already present. I myself have a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 (along with several co-morbid “buddies” that often go hand in hand with said disorder), and the man I am dedicated to in life is diagnosed with bipolar (along with other co-morbid “buddies” as well), but the kicker is the diagnosis of “Intermittent Explosive Disorder”. I will do another post soon about that specific disorder, but lets just say that it  is a brutal issue to combat. It turns the man I love with all my soul into someone I don’t recognize. Not only that, but I am treated as though I am nobody special, even less than strangers. In fact, during an episode… I am spoken to with what sounds like loathing and fervent rage, but if a neighbor, or someone else comes along, they are spoken to with kindness and respect… something foreign to the way I am treated during these IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder) moments.

It is a very lonely place to be when the anger is directed at you simply because you are the person closest. Even if he is trying with all his strength NOT to lash out at me (which I know is exactly what he is concentrating on), it is very lonely to be on my end of it. While he is trying to battle his anxiety, and his automatic “this is a disaster” thought process, he is completely incapable of offering help or suggestions, nor demonstrate any type of loving, supportive gestures to help encourage me as I do all I can to rectify the situation.

Yet…  I still help my man to my fullest capacity, and attempt to support him. I do all I can to fix the problem without turning it into some horrible difficult issue… I remain calm, cool, and collected, trying to keep him informed of what I am doing to fix the situation.  Even if his tone of voice is derogatory, or he emanates anger… I do all I can to help, reminding myself that this isn’t the “true” him, and he is fighting to come back to who he truly is.

Though I know this isn’t him per say, it still hurts… I still feel as though I am wilting away. I try to be a step ahead so I can predict what is needed… and I do it for him without hesitation… all the while, tears flood my eyes, and I keep my head low to hide them. They are a sign of weakness to him when he is this person… so I keep silent, don’t argue, stay busy, put on that loving smile I am great at wearing, and I keep my head down…

All the while, somehow, in someway…

I am breaking.

Knowing full well that when things come full circle,

He will return full of love and grace, and his loving embrace will encompass me…

And what once felt broken…

He will make whole… and then I am home.

©thebipolarmuse 2018

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Big Thanks To “13 Reasons Why”

13-reasons-why

13 Reasons Why…

This t.v. series has started addressing the very serious issues happening to our teenagers across the world. They address sexual assault, gay bashing, bullying, cyber bullying, physical fights, sexuality, blackmail, coercion, our court system, and the way victims are turned into villian’s and worse. They also address the glorified hierarchy of the jocks occurring in schools everywhere, relationships, and of course the insecurities that all teenagers seem to possess to some degree.

These are all very worthy causes to bring to light and begin a conversation. However, for me, I not only applaud them for all the reasons I mentioned, but I applaud them for addressing these 2 things…

School shootings, and suicide.

Not only do they address suicide, but they also show what the aftermath of such a tragic choice does to all those around you. It shows the example of ruined relationships, the sadness and anger it invokes, the way many people need to “blame” someone or something. They address the need to have an open conversation about suicide, and also the need to tone it down so it does not infiltrate the minds of “at risk” youth (and adults), and create a contagion affect.

13 Reasons Why begs us to open up a dialogue with those we care about and address these very serious issues. All of these topics are what MANY teenagers deal with. Adults don’t quite grasp what all the social media can do to our children… how it opens one up to being bullied, how fake Facebook pages (or any other social media source) are set up to trick an unknowing person/victim. How taking a photo can lead to disaster… especially if it is provocative in any way, or a rumor presented along with it. Often, very detrimental consequences follow. Not to mention that many violators get away with what they do.

Many seemed to be concerned about the topics addressed during the 1st season… believing that young people cannot handle watching these issues, and didn’t think the show was good for teens to watch. This seems ridiculous to me considering all the “shooting” video games teenagers play,  not to mention the games younger kids play where they break into a neighbors house to try to discover what is in the basement… finally seeing that the neighbor is keeping people locked up against their will. WTF is that about??? Children are exposed to these types of games, and worse, but we cannot speak with them about suicide, bullying, sexual assault, and many more issues they deal with on a constant basis?? This is insanity.

This is the generation of overprotecting our kids to the point that they do not have the skills needed to take care of themselves, emotionally or otherwise. We are crippling them by doing this and it is truly sad.

So I applaud 13 Reasons Why, those in charge for creating the show, Netflix for embracing it, and the fight needed to bring about the second season and more… thank you for being the voice we all need.

©thebipolarmuse2018