I Fear Not The Night~

MoonOnWater

I fear not the night anymore, but the silence that accompanies the sun.

I would enjoy waking to the moon instead… the stars my guide…

My erratic mood lulled by the moons tide.

The stars and night like a very close friend.

Instead, I follow the masses, wake by the sun,

With only a few hours to rest my weary head.

Depression has begun.

Too much time to dwell, anxiety to swell,

To beg for peace; to forget the times,

I have truly failed.

I want to run, be free… follow my heart…

Flee…

To my loves.

I fear not the night anymore, but the silence…

that accompanies the sun.~

©thebipolarmuse2011

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Going through not having custody of my children has always been very difficult for me. I battle severe depressions over all lifes precious moments I cannot get back.

Poetry helps me to tame the monster, it is a form of therapy for me… helps me create bipolar Order.

IceBox Canyon

IceboxCanyon

For two weeks we built a friendship from a common ground… our mental health. It was innocent, yet something kept drawing me to you. I would have to refrain from writing to you CONSTANTLY… I just wanted to crawl inside of your mind and learn who you were, who you wanted to be.

Then we decided to meet.

A hike to appease the fire inside of us… to have the time to really dive into each-others minds.

We met on common ground to travel together to Icebox Canyon.

My heart speeds up now at the memory of getting out of my car and seeing you, the physical you I didn’t really remember on our first meeting. I remember most the feeling you ignited within me… I remember your curly short hair, your athletic build, the easy smile that reached your eyes and lit up my world. Butterflies at the memory of your embrace… I can still recall the way you smelled, how my body melded to yours, still innocent and unknowing, yet treading on completely new feelings, a new energy never experienced before. I could feel an electrical surge… darts of energy diving off my body, surging into yours.

I could have lived forever in that embrace… and yet, that was just the beginning. I expected to be nervous yet I was not… I was something entirely different… yet I couldn’t recognize it yet. You played “Hero”, and extended your hand… I took it into mine… the electricity that shot into me was intoxicating. I could feel your energy combine with mine, a reverberation that I could feel to my bones, and I could FEEL you. The walls I built were not in place with you… somehow you broke through and the intensity of your Being grasping for me took my breath from my chest. Your energy and mine chased and followed, filling me to the brim with a feeling that I can only describe as feeling “whole”… no longer depleted of the fire I thought I lost long ago. With purpose you played that song… changing its memory forever within me… never again would it be associated with devastation, but instead, a new beginning… in that moment of feeling your energy burn into me, a new hope was created. When you removed your hand from mine, its absence was immediately felt… and it was unnatural.

The conversation came easily… excitement was overflowing. The trail was just as easy, and yet for one reason or another, once it got slightly steeper I reached for you to find you reaching for me… who reached first?? I thought I did, yet you tell me it was you. We remained in our bubble… pink arrows showing the way… the blue sky brilliant with whispy clouds passing quickly through. We sat against rocks, skin on fire with each others touch, my barriers collapsing around my feet… and I wanted them to stay down. I wanted to let you in.

I got lost in your touch…not just the way you touched me, but the blaze that erupted from how I felt touching you.  I could see the looks from others who knew what we would still come to realize… they could see the magnetism, the energy we exuded, they could see we were meant to be… your care in my safety and in making sure I was comfortable with each step. I saw it clearly in their gaze, the knowing smile of their lips. And still, as I noticed them, I was hopelessly lost in you. My head on your chest… I would sigh… “I could listen to his heart beat forever”. THIS WAS NEW. UNEXPECTED. INTOXICATING.

The sun is disappearing from the sky, evening falling fast… I beg time to slow. I am not ready to release you yet. We drive… in silence… my mind racing and asking “what the hell is this”… this can’t be real. The radio plays… a sadness looms. I feed off your emotion and feel a new feeling… desperation. When will I see you … I MUST see you again… I can’t wait till Thursday, I think I could possibly wither away. Tuesday it will be…

I watch you pull away… Oh my God could this be? The cynic in me crumbled… He is the mate to my soul… Later you wrote… Serendipitous. I smile to myself… I am going to ride his lightening bolt.

That boy is mine.

©thebipolarmuse 2018